Tag Archives: opinion

The 5 Kinds of Apartment Dwellers

We’ve all lived in apartments.  We’ve all had neighbors in these apartments.  Some neighbors have been nice, some loud, some clowns, and some make you want to walk next door and beat someone with a tire iron. You don’t even care that you are in your underwear.  I’ve been renting for about four years now, and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what kind of people live in apartments.  Everyone deals with living in a box within a box(within another box?) differently.  I tend to try and get to know my neighbors, and although some can make it difficult, most are receptive.  In general, and I am being very general here, there are five kinds of apartment people.

1. Loners.

These are people who stay pent up in their apartment all the time, windows shut, door closed, and you never see them leave.  They always seem to be home, you assume, because their light is always on, but they are very quiet.  Maybe they just have the light on the keep intruders away, and they are really out backpacking rural China, you just don’t know!  These are good people to live next to, however they are very boring, as you never get to know them, and can be unreliable for favors like that time when I super-glued the cat to my leg, on accident, and could have really used some nail polish remover. Loners usually reside on the top floor, as they don’t mind walking up stairs just so they have no one loud above them.

2. Loud Mother F*^kers.

No matter if this person is alone or having people over, they are always loud.  It’s just their nature.  You can try and complain, but that will only lead to increased animosity, which will most likely feed their loud and rebellious personality.  These people were good to have as neighbors in college because they always had the best parties, but now it’s just annoying.  Unfortunately, I have been guilty of being this person in the past, so I can’t really get mad when someone is being loud around me, I just have to embrace it.  These people usually exist on a middle floor because they have a discombobulated life and can’t choose a floor to begin with, so they get stuck with one of the worst apartments.

3. Hippies/Elderly.

I group hippies and the elderly together because they share some of the same traits.  They both leave their windows and doors open, they both have pets that run around, and they both have funky smells emanating from their apartments.  They are both usually friendly and will say “hi” when you walk by, and occasionally are good for casual conversation.  Also, they both live on the first floor to avoid walking up stairs.  If you have to live on the first floor, then most likely you will have these as your neighbors.

4. Yuppies.

Yuppies are your most balanced and predictable apartment dweller, because their life demands it.  They wake and rise at the same times, work the same times, and go out at the same times, so you always know when they will be home.  However, these can be the biggest assholes/bitches.  Many times they are unhappy with their lives because they hate their “shitty” job or their “shitty” apartment, because they haven’t made this month’s sales quota, so you may find yourself in a thirty minute stairwell conversation with someone about life insurance or pharmacy sales when really you are just trying to check your mail.  They reside anywhere in the complex, as they are already upset they don’t have a house yet, so why would it matter where they live in this fucking apartment complex.

5. Customer Servers.

The largest percentage of apartment dwellers is this group.  In this category you’ve got waiters, bartenders, promoters, people that work at best buy, clerks, retail, strippers, bouncers, etc., and they all need a temporary place to live before they move to their next job location.  These people are social animals, and are the most likely to introduce themselves to you in courtyard, pool, or whatever other social area your complex has.  They can be loud, because they work all hours of the day and night, but usually they respect other people due to the nature of their work, they know how it feels to be treated like shit, which means they are also available for favors.  Some of the nicest people I have met in my many apartment complexes have been customer service people.  They live on the top floor, side unit, because they have lived in apartment complexes forever so they know where the best ones are.

Which type of apartment dweller are you?

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Kids: Pros and Cons

Whenever I come to a crossroads in my life, I usually make a Pros and Cons list.  Some examples:  Buying my motorcycle, going to graduate school, buying a TV, deciding what kind of takeout food to get: pizza or Chinese, deciding what kind of toppings to get on the pizza, deciding what pizza place to order from, deciding what kind of moo shoo to get with the pizza, I mean, wait a second, were we ordering Chinese or pizza?  I don’t remember, but who is going to pay for this pizza?  I left my wallet in the car.

Anyway, I decided that for fun I would make a list of Pros and Cons for adopting a kid.  I have decided that I would want to adopt a boy who is between the ages of 5-7, that way I skip all those crazy baby years.  So without further delay, let’s get this baby started!

Pros:

1. I have a guaranteed excuse out of lame social events.

Me without Kid:  Yeah, sure, I would love to come to your cousin’s boyfriend’s coming out party.

Me with Kid: Ah sorry I can’t make it, it looks like my son just projectile vomited all over the cat who is now scratching his face off with his razor sharp claws that I forgot to clip.

2. I can go see Pixar movies in the theater and not feel like a creep.

Without: “They are really funny, I swear!”

With: “What can I say, my kid loves these movies.”

3. I can go to the grocery and buy candy, chips, and soda, and also not feel like a creeper.

Without: “I loooove candy.  Want some?”

With: “Me and my kid are having a movie night, isn’t that cute?”

4. We can build happy memories together.

Without: Getting plastered at a bar on Halloween, then going to an after party where I hook up with an underage girl dressed as a “slutty Abraham Lincoln” who gives me Crabs.

With: Going trick-or-treating.  When they answer the door I will greet them dressed as a normal person, just standing their smiling, then I will pretend to throw up, my son will be held on my back by some device, and when I bend over he will scream and leap on to them.  Then we get all their candy and run.

5. Playing with the cat.

Without: I would get my hand all scratched up and bleeding from playing with the cat.  At least one of us is having a good time…

With: Cat vs. Human.  I construct a barrier of cardboard around them, sprinkle some catnip on my son and dress the cat in his favorite shirt, then watch the two go at it.  Winner gets to eat.  Loser goes hungry.

Cons:

1. No more strippers in my living room. *Conditional

2. Instead of having my swords and knife collection displayed on my kitchen table, I would have to hang them from the ceiling.

3. I would need to set aside money to feed and clothe him, which would most likely have to come out of my “stripper fund”.

4. Added Responsibility.  Unless this kid knows how to write he is only going to compound my problems.  Although, if I could teach him how to use MS Paint he could make the pictures for my posts, since they already look like a 6 six year drew them.

*bedroom is a possibility

Analysis:

Now comes the most important part, the analysis.  Hmmm.  Well, it looks like a kid is not the right move for me right now.  I don’t know what it is about responsibility, but I just can’t handle anymore than the little bit I have right now.  Maybe I can reevaluate this list next year, or the year after, or never.  Or maybe I can adopt a dog!  That calls for another pros and cons list!  Anyway, until next time, make wise decisions, and make your pros and cons lists.

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