Everyone, well most everyone, has friends. If you are lucky you have multiple friends, or unlucky, depending on what kind of friends you have. Regardless, different types of friends exist, each with their own respective pluses and minuses. Some are good for favors, some are good for laughs, and some are good for nothing. Some are conceited assholes humble and modest folks who write nonsense humorous blogs and expect everyone to read them and get pissed at the world upset when no one is reading his their blog. WHY GOD WHY?!? There are five types of friends. Let’s review.
1. Yellow Lab: The friend you can count on
Yellow Lab is the name and loyalty is the game. Favors are pretty much guaranteed, as long as they are reasonable (be careful not to abuse your lab or it will turn on you). These are the friends you call when you lock your keys out of your car at 4 AM in a sketchy neighborhood, and you are by yourself because someone in the bar pissed you off by saying the 49ers suck and instead of punching them in the mouth you ran aimlessly out into the night in search of something that makes sense.
2. Sheen: The party friend
Oh, the Sheen. How much fun can one person possibly be? You just have to make a phone call to the party friend to find out. Be warned, don’t even try and call this friend during the week, or during the day for that matter, only on the weekend, and usually you have to wait for them to call you back. However, when that phone call does arrive, be ready to party your face off (or on, depending where your face was at the time of the phone call).
3. Apatow: The funny friend
Having a bad day? You poor baby, you. Don’t fear, Apatow is here! Ready with jokes and witty comments about that creepy guy sitting next to you, the Apatow friend is at your comedic service. He/she will certainly lift your mood, unless you are dead inside, then you are pretty much screwed.
Okay so maybe the real Judd Apatow isn’t the best option. I would suggest picking someone who is a bit more grounded.
4. Dr. Phil: The good listener
Problems are toast with Dr. Phil. This friend will let you talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until your mouth falls off and you have to pick it up off the ground and sew it back on so you can keep talking. The great thing about this friend is that he/she will listen for as long as you need, then offer advice, but you don’t have to listen, because he/she is your friend, and who wants advice from your friends anyway? I mean, what do they know anyway? That’s what mistakes are for.
5. Best friend: Your best friend
You have known this guy/girl since you were little, and off and on, through thick and thin, you two have remained friends. You may even refer to this person as your brother or sister. They may also be any combination of the above mentioned friends, but above all, they are your best friend.