Everyone, well most everyone, has friends. If you are lucky you have multiple friends, or unlucky, depending on what kind of friends you have. Regardless, different types of friends exist, each with their own respective pluses and minuses. Some are good for favors, some are good for laughs, and some are good for nothing. Some are conceited assholes humble and modest folks who write nonsense humorous blogs and expect everyone to read them and get pissed at the world upset when no one is reading his their blog. WHY GOD WHY?!? There are five types of friends. Let’s review.
1. Yellow Lab: The friend you can count on
Yellow Lab is the name and loyalty is the game. Favors are pretty much guaranteed, as long as they are reasonable (be careful not to abuse your lab or it will turn on you). These are the friends you call when you lock your keys out of your car at 4 AM in a sketchy neighborhood, and you are by yourself because someone in the bar pissed you off by saying the 49ers suck and instead of punching them in the mouth you ran aimlessly out into the night in search of something that makes sense.
Yes, that's a Toyota Camry.
2. Sheen: The party friend
Oh, the Sheen. How much fun can one person possibly be? You just have to make a phone call to the party friend to find out. Be warned, don’t even try and call this friend during the week, or during the day for that matter, only on the weekend, and usually you have to wait for them to call you back. However, when that phone call does arrive, be ready to party your face off (or on, depending where your face was at the time of the phone call).
The irony of this is the character on the right looks more like myself.
3. Apatow: The funny friend
Having a bad day? You poor baby, you. Don’t fear, Apatow is here! Ready with jokes and witty comments about that creepy guy sitting next to you, the Apatow friend is at your comedic service. He/she will certainly lift your mood, unless you are dead inside, then you are pretty much screwed.
Who knew Apatow was actually a dick?
Okay so maybe the real Judd Apatow isn’t the best option. I would suggest picking someone who is a bit more grounded.
4. Dr. Phil: The good listener
Problems are toast with Dr. Phil. This friend will let you talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until your mouth falls off and you have to pick it up off the ground and sew it back on so you can keep talking. The great thing about this friend is that he/she will listen for as long as you need, then offer advice, but you don’t have to listen, because he/she is your friend, and who wants advice from your friends anyway? I mean, what do they know anyway? That’s what mistakes are for.
Good lookin' out Phil.
5. Best friend: Your best friend
You have known this guy/girl since you were little, and off and on, through thick and thin, you two have remained friends. You may even refer to this person as your brother or sister. They may also be any combination of the above mentioned friends, but above all, they are your best friend.
Your best friend knows EVERYTHING about you.
The Unknowledge Tree 
A friend isn’t a true friend if they never let you forget about that time you got your pants pulled down. Or that time you accidentally pooped your pants in first grade. Or that time that you fell down on the floor crying in high school because JESSICA DUMPED YOU FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. IT’S NOT FAIR.
there is also the friend who never wants to pay for drinks, the one who complains about everything, the one who can’t hold on to a decent job not even for more than a month (might be the same one who never pays for drinks ¬¬), the one who falls in love every two months (What?? Again??)…and a loong etc
This post made me rethink my friendships and label them all into different categories so thanks 🙂
Funny stuff, smart guy 😉
Yeah, after stepping back and thinking about my own friends I realized that there could definitely be more than 5 categories, and I believe you are referring to the Unstable Friend(not included). Thanks again for your comment, always good to hear from ya.
A friend will come bail you out of jail…a best friend will be sitting next to you going, “HOT DAMN, what a ride!!!! Let’s do it again!”
I might go out on a limb and say this is your best one so far! Even deserving of a comment. My favorite is the party friend, haha, but also the Toyota Camry. Hmm, I wonder how my friends would categorize me.. I wonder what its like to have friends..
Dont ask me what its like, i only did this post out of memory. It’s been so long since i’ve left this apartment….does my computer count? Thanks for the comment buddy!
I fit to the Dr.Phil kind, sometime it feels like, “Why me, again?” Cant we just shuffle between the various categories of friends, with friends?
“Kinda in between jobs” “..that’s cooooool” haha! Sounds just like em! Great blog man keep it up!
I think being the Dr. Phil friend is the worst, but having it is the greatest. Usually it’s “that guy” who is in love with the girl yet she’s too stupid to notice or he’s too much of a coward to confess. We’re probably different friends to different people.
I enjoy that Dr. Phil didn’t help out that poor girl’s problem whatsoever.
Dr. Phil is just one of the guys after all.
I think I must disagree here. I’m fairly certain my dog would welcome any thief into our house and show him where the secret safe was if they gave him a beggin strip. That is, if I *had* a secret safe. If I’m really shooting for the moon, I’d have a secrete lair like Batman.
I’m okay with this
I’m definitely the conceited a-hole who writes the nonsense blog and then gets pissed at the world when no one reads it 😀
Replace “party” friend with “travel” friend, and everything fits.
I have this friend who I only see once a year, during the summer. We’ve been to faraway places together, but we never hung out in real life, like catching a movie or eating dinner together. I can rely on this friend, though, to be always on the go when I need a companion for this or that trip.
I can think of other categories, like the work friend — the people you put up with at work just so you don’t look like a loser during when lunch break comes around.
I personally prefer the wisdom of House: everybody lies! Dr. Phil…not so much. Great post. Love your blog. I’ve nominated you for some awards in hopes I could spread the word of your blog to more!
http://changedbychange.com/2011/11/29/from-the-jury-of-my-peers-my-first-blogging-awards/
Thank you! I need to make a new post too…
You. are. hilarious. And these are surprisingly intuitive bits of applicable info! I do enjoy your blog, sir. Keep it up please!
Reblogged this on Mylifeasatu's Blog.