Tag Archives: lists

Let’s Talk About Friends

Everyone, well most everyone, has friends.  If you are lucky you have multiple friends, or unlucky, depending on what kind of friends you have.  Regardless, different types of friends exist, each with their own respective pluses and minuses.  Some are good for favors, some are good for laughs, and some are good for nothing.  Some are conceited assholes humble and modest folks who write nonsense humorous blogs and expect everyone to read them and get pissed at the world upset when no one is reading his their blog.  WHY GOD WHY?!?  There are five types of friends.  Let’s review.

 

1. Yellow Lab: The friend you can count on

Yellow Lab is the name and loyalty is the game.  Favors are pretty much guaranteed, as long as they are reasonable (be careful not to abuse your lab or it will turn on you).  These are the friends you call when you lock your keys out of your car at 4 AM in a sketchy neighborhood, and you are by yourself because someone in the bar pissed you off by saying the 49ers suck and instead of punching them in the mouth you ran aimlessly out into the night in search of something that makes sense.

Yes, that's a Toyota Camry.

 

2. Sheen: The party friend

Oh, the Sheen.  How much fun can one person possibly be?  You just have to make a phone call to the party friend to find out.  Be warned, don’t even try and call this friend during the week, or during the day for that matter, only on the weekend, and usually you have to wait for them to call you back.  However, when that phone call does arrive, be ready to party your face off (or on, depending where your face was at the time of the phone call).

The irony of this is the character on the right looks more like myself.

 

3. Apatow: The funny friend

Having a bad day?  You poor baby, you.  Don’t fear, Apatow is here!  Ready with jokes and witty comments about that creepy guy sitting next to you, the Apatow friend is at your comedic service.  He/she will certainly lift your mood, unless you are dead inside, then you are pretty much screwed.

Who knew Apatow was actually a dick?

Okay so maybe the real Judd Apatow isn’t the best option.  I would suggest picking someone who is a bit more grounded.

 

4. Dr. Phil: The good listener

Problems are toast with Dr. Phil.  This friend will let you talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until your mouth falls off and you have to pick it up off the ground and sew it back on so you can keep talking.  The great thing about this friend is that he/she will listen for as long as you need, then offer advice, but you don’t have to listen, because he/she is your friend, and who wants advice from your friends anyway?  I mean, what do they know anyway?  That’s what mistakes are for.

Good lookin' out Phil.

 

5. Best friend: Your best friend

You have known this guy/girl since you were little, and off and on, through thick and thin, you two have remained friends.  You may even refer to this person as your brother or sister.  They may also be any combination of the above mentioned friends, but above all, they are your best friend.

Your best friend knows EVERYTHING about you.

 

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Kids: Pros and Cons

Whenever I come to a crossroads in my life, I usually make a Pros and Cons list.  Some examples:  Buying my motorcycle, going to graduate school, buying a TV, deciding what kind of takeout food to get: pizza or Chinese, deciding what kind of toppings to get on the pizza, deciding what pizza place to order from, deciding what kind of moo shoo to get with the pizza, I mean, wait a second, were we ordering Chinese or pizza?  I don’t remember, but who is going to pay for this pizza?  I left my wallet in the car.

Anyway, I decided that for fun I would make a list of Pros and Cons for adopting a kid.  I have decided that I would want to adopt a boy who is between the ages of 5-7, that way I skip all those crazy baby years.  So without further delay, let’s get this baby started!

Pros:

1. I have a guaranteed excuse out of lame social events.

Me without Kid:  Yeah, sure, I would love to come to your cousin’s boyfriend’s coming out party.

Me with Kid: Ah sorry I can’t make it, it looks like my son just projectile vomited all over the cat who is now scratching his face off with his razor sharp claws that I forgot to clip.

2. I can go see Pixar movies in the theater and not feel like a creep.

Without: “They are really funny, I swear!”

With: “What can I say, my kid loves these movies.”

3. I can go to the grocery and buy candy, chips, and soda, and also not feel like a creeper.

Without: “I loooove candy.  Want some?”

With: “Me and my kid are having a movie night, isn’t that cute?”

4. We can build happy memories together.

Without: Getting plastered at a bar on Halloween, then going to an after party where I hook up with an underage girl dressed as a “slutty Abraham Lincoln” who gives me Crabs.

With: Going trick-or-treating.  When they answer the door I will greet them dressed as a normal person, just standing their smiling, then I will pretend to throw up, my son will be held on my back by some device, and when I bend over he will scream and leap on to them.  Then we get all their candy and run.

5. Playing with the cat.

Without: I would get my hand all scratched up and bleeding from playing with the cat.  At least one of us is having a good time…

With: Cat vs. Human.  I construct a barrier of cardboard around them, sprinkle some catnip on my son and dress the cat in his favorite shirt, then watch the two go at it.  Winner gets to eat.  Loser goes hungry.

Cons:

1. No more strippers in my living room. *Conditional

2. Instead of having my swords and knife collection displayed on my kitchen table, I would have to hang them from the ceiling.

3. I would need to set aside money to feed and clothe him, which would most likely have to come out of my “stripper fund”.

4. Added Responsibility.  Unless this kid knows how to write he is only going to compound my problems.  Although, if I could teach him how to use MS Paint he could make the pictures for my posts, since they already look like a 6 six year drew them.

*bedroom is a possibility

Analysis:

Now comes the most important part, the analysis.  Hmmm.  Well, it looks like a kid is not the right move for me right now.  I don’t know what it is about responsibility, but I just can’t handle anymore than the little bit I have right now.  Maybe I can reevaluate this list next year, or the year after, or never.  Or maybe I can adopt a dog!  That calls for another pros and cons list!  Anyway, until next time, make wise decisions, and make your pros and cons lists.

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