Category Archives: Comparisons

In this category things are compared.

Kids: Pros and Cons

Whenever I come to a crossroads in my life, I usually make a Pros and Cons list.  Some examples:  Buying my motorcycle, going to graduate school, buying a TV, deciding what kind of takeout food to get: pizza or Chinese, deciding what kind of toppings to get on the pizza, deciding what pizza place to order from, deciding what kind of moo shoo to get with the pizza, I mean, wait a second, were we ordering Chinese or pizza?  I don’t remember, but who is going to pay for this pizza?  I left my wallet in the car.

Anyway, I decided that for fun I would make a list of Pros and Cons for adopting a kid.  I have decided that I would want to adopt a boy who is between the ages of 5-7, that way I skip all those crazy baby years.  So without further delay, let’s get this baby started!

Pros:

1. I have a guaranteed excuse out of lame social events.

Me without Kid:  Yeah, sure, I would love to come to your cousin’s boyfriend’s coming out party.

Me with Kid: Ah sorry I can’t make it, it looks like my son just projectile vomited all over the cat who is now scratching his face off with his razor sharp claws that I forgot to clip.

2. I can go see Pixar movies in the theater and not feel like a creep.

Without: “They are really funny, I swear!”

With: “What can I say, my kid loves these movies.”

3. I can go to the grocery and buy candy, chips, and soda, and also not feel like a creeper.

Without: “I loooove candy.  Want some?”

With: “Me and my kid are having a movie night, isn’t that cute?”

4. We can build happy memories together.

Without: Getting plastered at a bar on Halloween, then going to an after party where I hook up with an underage girl dressed as a “slutty Abraham Lincoln” who gives me Crabs.

With: Going trick-or-treating.  When they answer the door I will greet them dressed as a normal person, just standing their smiling, then I will pretend to throw up, my son will be held on my back by some device, and when I bend over he will scream and leap on to them.  Then we get all their candy and run.

5. Playing with the cat.

Without: I would get my hand all scratched up and bleeding from playing with the cat.  At least one of us is having a good time…

With: Cat vs. Human.  I construct a barrier of cardboard around them, sprinkle some catnip on my son and dress the cat in his favorite shirt, then watch the two go at it.  Winner gets to eat.  Loser goes hungry.

Cons:

1. No more strippers in my living room. *Conditional

2. Instead of having my swords and knife collection displayed on my kitchen table, I would have to hang them from the ceiling.

3. I would need to set aside money to feed and clothe him, which would most likely have to come out of my “stripper fund”.

4. Added Responsibility.  Unless this kid knows how to write he is only going to compound my problems.  Although, if I could teach him how to use MS Paint he could make the pictures for my posts, since they already look like a 6 six year drew them.

*bedroom is a possibility

Analysis:

Now comes the most important part, the analysis.  Hmmm.  Well, it looks like a kid is not the right move for me right now.  I don’t know what it is about responsibility, but I just can’t handle anymore than the little bit I have right now.  Maybe I can reevaluate this list next year, or the year after, or never.  Or maybe I can adopt a dog!  That calls for another pros and cons list!  Anyway, until next time, make wise decisions, and make your pros and cons lists.

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College vs. The Real World

It’s been a little over a year since I graduated college.  After spending seven years in four different institutions of higher learning, you could say that I am a college expert.  After spending one year in the “real world”, you could say that I never want to be a real world expert.  This place SUCKS.  For those of you who are in the same boat as myself, this is old news.  College did nothing to prepare me for this, but would I have really wanted it to?  Hell no.  I loved having no responsibilities, and wouldn’t have done it any other way.  That being said, I would like to justify my feeling of college superiority by making a list, which you will now read, you beautiful person, you.  That’s right, I’m talking to you.

I. Responsibilities:

  • Real World – Pay bills and rent myself on time by writing a check.  If I only do something once a month, how am I supposed to remember that?  Also, why do we still have checks?  Are you kidding me, banks?  I take a piece of paper with clouds, unicorns, dolphins or whatever printed on it, write any amount I choose, and that is legal tender!?
  • College – Bills are only something you hear about from your parents, or on a romantic comedy, or following the word Buffalo.
2. Socializing:
  • Real World – Social gatherings now center around family gatherings, co-worker happy hours, and old friends from high school.  You thought you were moving forward in time?  Guess again, sucker.
  • College – Places to make friends: Frats, clubs, sports, classes, study groups, gym, cafeteria, in the hallway, bathrooms, on the bus, dorms, ANYWHERE.
3. Gettin’ laid, or getting mates, bonding, relationships, whatever:
  • Real World – Dates.  Relationships.  Commitment.  Longevity.  Prison.  No more casual and comfortable, “I’ll see you at the party later,’ or ‘lets meet in the quad after class and lay in the grass while we pretend to study”.  There is no party later.  There is no quad.  There isn’t even any grass.  Now its get her phone number and harass her until she goes out with you or you may never see her again.  Ask her on a “date”, buy her dinner/drinks, whatever it’s gonna take, then maybe if you’re lucky you’ll establish some kind of connection or even, *gasp, get laid.
  • College – If you meet in the gym it would go like this:  Working out – Partying out – Making out – Hanging out – Sex.  Repeat until you get tired of each other/meet someone else.

College

Real World

These are just three ways that the Real World SUCKS and College is amazing.  I’m sure there are numerous others.  Feel free to share them if you like.

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