Whenever I come to a crossroads in my life, I usually make a Pros and Cons list. Some examples: Buying my motorcycle, going to graduate school, buying a TV, deciding what kind of takeout food to get: pizza or Chinese, deciding what kind of toppings to get on the pizza, deciding what pizza place to order from, deciding what kind of moo shoo to get with the pizza, I mean, wait a second, were we ordering Chinese or pizza? I don’t remember, but who is going to pay for this pizza? I left my wallet in the car.
Anyway, I decided that for fun I would make a list of Pros and Cons for adopting a kid. I have decided that I would want to adopt a boy who is between the ages of 5-7, that way I skip all those crazy baby years. So without further delay, let’s get this baby started!
1. I have a guaranteed excuse out of lame social events.
Me without Kid: Yeah, sure, I would love to come to your cousin’s boyfriend’s coming out party.
Me with Kid: Ah sorry I can’t make it, it looks like my son just projectile vomited all over the cat who is now scratching his face off with his razor sharp claws that I forgot to clip.
2. I can go see Pixar movies in the theater and not feel like a creep.
Without: “They are really funny, I swear!”
With: “What can I say, my kid loves these movies.”
3. I can go to the grocery and buy candy, chips, and soda, and also not feel like a creeper.
Without: “I loooove candy. Want some?”
With: “Me and my kid are having a movie night, isn’t that cute?”
4. We can build happy memories together.
Without: Getting plastered at a bar on Halloween, then going to an after party where I hook up with an underage girl dressed as a “slutty Abraham Lincoln” who gives me Crabs.
With: Going trick-or-treating. When they answer the door I will greet them dressed as a normal person, just standing their smiling, then I will pretend to throw up, my son will be held on my back by some device, and when I bend over he will scream and leap on to them. Then we get all their candy and run.
5. Playing with the cat.
Without: I would get my hand all scratched up and bleeding from playing with the cat. At least one of us is having a good time…
With: Cat vs. Human. I construct a barrier of cardboard around them, sprinkle some catnip on my son and dress the cat in his favorite shirt, then watch the two go at it. Winner gets to eat. Loser goes hungry.
1. No more strippers in my living room. *Conditional
2. Instead of having my swords and knife collection displayed on my kitchen table, I would have to hang them from the ceiling.
3. I would need to set aside money to feed and clothe him, which would most likely have to come out of my “stripper fund”.
4. Added Responsibility. Unless this kid knows how to write he is only going to compound my problems. Although, if I could teach him how to use MS Paint he could make the pictures for my posts, since they already look like a 6 six year drew them.
*bedroom is a possibility
Now comes the most important part, the analysis. Hmmm. Well, it looks like a kid is not the right move for me right now. I don’t know what it is about responsibility, but I just can’t handle anymore than the little bit I have right now. Maybe I can reevaluate this list next year, or the year after, or never. Or maybe I can adopt a dog! That calls for another pros and cons list! Anyway, until next time, make wise decisions, and make your pros and cons lists.