Often the hardest part of dating and relationships can be getting actually getting that first date, making a connection. We’ve all been there, and we always seem to question ourselves, “Should I ask her for her number now?’ or ‘Why the fu*k did I wear this Loony Toons shirt today, is this seriously how I dress every day?” Both legitimate questions. Be easy my single friends and rejoice, for the Unknowledge Tree has once again given us a gift from its infinite wisdom. It has revealed to me the secrets of attracting a mate, be it man or woman, and how to have a near 100% success rate. Don’t worry, this is science, it’s basically guaranteed! What luck!
1. Put on a Display
There is nothing that will attract a mate more than putting on a show for them. For guys, let everyone know that you are the alpha male, and no other dude comes close to your obvious masculinity. Tap into your inner animal, really make a point here. Start a fight with someone else around you if you have to, but make sure you win, could be embarrassing. When you are finished with your display, if she isn’t already swooning at your feet, you may have to try a different method, or she is probably a lesbian. I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good display? Come on, ladies.
For women, your goal is to entice the man of your choosing by showing off what you got, and what you expect from him. Everyone has their own displays, this is what makes us unique, and so I recommend tailoring yours to your strengths. If it’s a smart guy you want, perhaps pretend to write a book while slithering around on the floor. If you got the goods, then by all means show them off, perhaps on the bar while dancing to “Good Girls Gone Bad” and downing a bottle of Yagermeister. You know, whatever gets his attention. It’s a wild world out there; don’t be afraid to push the envelope.
2. Pick-up Lines
Now that your respective displays have picked up a mate, it is up to the man to approach with a pick-up line. Here are a few that should work. Remember, first impressions are like, pretty much, everything.
– I would buy you a drink, but it looks like you are already a tall drink of woman.
– Let me grab a helmet, because I could ride those legs all day. Safety first, baby!
– Our eyes just f*cked, should our genitalia?
– Here’s a dime, just like you.
– Let’s take a walk. I’ve got some coupons for free slurpees at the corner store.
– You just made my heart do a back flip, now I need to go to the hospital. Seriously I’m having a heart attack, can you take me to the hospital? I will consider dating you after, I just could really use some help…(silence)…It’s okay I’m still alive, but I am in a considerable amount of pain. Not to mention I have lost feeling in the right side of my body, and I think I’m going to black out again. Yep, I’m about to go. How about that ride now?
– I seem to have gotten lost on my way home. Your breasts have confused me. Can I sleep here tonight?
Congratulations, you are on your way to getting that first date. Tomorrow we will discuss the all important final step, *gulp, conversation! Stay tuned! (It’s here!)