Tag Archives: people

How to Make Friends

Who doesn’t want friends?  I know I don’t want any.  I mean yes, yes I do!  Friends are great for companionship, favors, protection, rehabilitation, monopolization, curing boredom, and lending a hand.  I know my friends have helped me out of many a tough jam in my lifetime, although I will never admit it, starting now.

In fact, where would we be without friends?  Alone, that’s what.  Maybe we would be really close with our families, but what if you didn’t have a brother or sister?  What if you are away at college, moving to a new city, or your current friends are dicks(In this case you may be a dick and likely you should reevaluate yourself and your priorities, but for all intents and purposes just keep reading anyway)?

The Unknowledge Tree has graciously extended to me this guide for making new friends which I will transcribe here as accurately as humanly possible so that we all may benefit.  Please excuse any misleading pieces of advice, as it is a tree and sometimes I do encounter issues with translation.  It was a very windy day and the shrubbery next to us was being very loud.

1. Have good hygiene

Before you even get an opportunity to make friends you need to make sure that you are squeaky clean.  No one wants to make friends with a dirty person, except other dirty people, so I guess that is an exception.  If you want to make friends with other dirty people, then don’t shower, but if you want to make friends with clean people, i.e. most people, be sure to shower.

I typically shower daily, although I have been known to skip a day if I went swimming, frolicked in the rain, or played in someone’s yard while the sprinkler was on.  I’m not really sure if those situations count as proper cleaning but I don’t really give a shit because that’s just how I roll.  Feel free to roll whichever way you choose, but I’m pretty sure showering with soap is the best way to go.

Witty caption

 

2. Be nice

Who wants to be friends with an a-hole, or a douche bag?  Not me, that’s for sure.  Even if you are a douche bag, pretend you aren’t.  Actually, if you are one, don’t make friends at all.  We don’t want you to have friends.

Better yet, instead of having no friends, you should invent some way to help yourself not be an a-hole/d-bag.  Maybe you could do this by making friends with someone who corrects douche baggery, like a psychiatrist, or a surgeon(brain swap).  You may have to pay her/him quite a bit of money for this, but I don’t really care because you are a douche bag.

The bottom line is to be nice, cordial, invite friendship.  Avoid insulting the person you are trying to make friends with.  The majority of people will not want to be friends with someone who just made fun of their new shirt, because damnit they thought that shirt was really clever, but in reality anything that is printed on a shirt and sold in a mall in mass amounts can never, ever, be clever, but can only be extremely annoying.

Get it?

 

3. Don’t be afraid

Unless you are trying to make friends in a prison, war camp, Hell, or a vicious lion’s den, no one is going to physically harm you for approaching them and attempting to make some kind of connection.  More than likely they will be grateful for your attempt at conversation.

If you find yourself overtaken by jitters, just remember that they are a person just like you and have feelings just like you do.  They would not want to hurt their own feelings; therefore, they are not going to try and hurt yours.  This — is science.  Actually, I just made it up but I’m pretty sure it’s true so just believe it, because everything I say is true, obviously(also science).

Stick to making friends with people, and not while they are mating either.

 

4. Be yourself

By far the most important item on this list, which I will repeat, is to be yourself.  The last thing someone else wants is to become friends with you, only to find out a couple weeks later that you don’t actually like NASCAR, you only said you did, negating the only thing you two have in common, thereby ending your friendship.

Be who you are from the beginning, that way other people know what they are getting themselves into.  This way you make friends that are right for you, share the same interests, etc., and you can go on enjoying each other’s friendship until the earth collapses into a black hole and we are all sucked into oblivion, or something much less significant like you grow apart, or whatever, fuck, I’m ending this post now.

Which animal doesn’t belong?  If you said the cow you are correct.  If you said the pterodactyl you are incorrect and you need to drink more cough syrup so that we are on the same level.

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Let’s Talk About Friends

Everyone, well most everyone, has friends.  If you are lucky you have multiple friends, or unlucky, depending on what kind of friends you have.  Regardless, different types of friends exist, each with their own respective pluses and minuses.  Some are good for favors, some are good for laughs, and some are good for nothing.  Some are conceited assholes humble and modest folks who write nonsense humorous blogs and expect everyone to read them and get pissed at the world upset when no one is reading his their blog.  WHY GOD WHY?!?  There are five types of friends.  Let’s review.

 

1. Yellow Lab: The friend you can count on

Yellow Lab is the name and loyalty is the game.  Favors are pretty much guaranteed, as long as they are reasonable (be careful not to abuse your lab or it will turn on you).  These are the friends you call when you lock your keys out of your car at 4 AM in a sketchy neighborhood, and you are by yourself because someone in the bar pissed you off by saying the 49ers suck and instead of punching them in the mouth you ran aimlessly out into the night in search of something that makes sense.

Yes, that's a Toyota Camry.

 

2. Sheen: The party friend

Oh, the Sheen.  How much fun can one person possibly be?  You just have to make a phone call to the party friend to find out.  Be warned, don’t even try and call this friend during the week, or during the day for that matter, only on the weekend, and usually you have to wait for them to call you back.  However, when that phone call does arrive, be ready to party your face off (or on, depending where your face was at the time of the phone call).

The irony of this is the character on the right looks more like myself.

 

3. Apatow: The funny friend

Having a bad day?  You poor baby, you.  Don’t fear, Apatow is here!  Ready with jokes and witty comments about that creepy guy sitting next to you, the Apatow friend is at your comedic service.  He/she will certainly lift your mood, unless you are dead inside, then you are pretty much screwed.

Who knew Apatow was actually a dick?

Okay so maybe the real Judd Apatow isn’t the best option.  I would suggest picking someone who is a bit more grounded.

 

4. Dr. Phil: The good listener

Problems are toast with Dr. Phil.  This friend will let you talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until your mouth falls off and you have to pick it up off the ground and sew it back on so you can keep talking.  The great thing about this friend is that he/she will listen for as long as you need, then offer advice, but you don’t have to listen, because he/she is your friend, and who wants advice from your friends anyway?  I mean, what do they know anyway?  That’s what mistakes are for.

Good lookin' out Phil.

 

5. Best friend: Your best friend

You have known this guy/girl since you were little, and off and on, through thick and thin, you two have remained friends.  You may even refer to this person as your brother or sister.  They may also be any combination of the above mentioned friends, but above all, they are your best friend.

Your best friend knows EVERYTHING about you.

 

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