The 5 Kinds of Apartment Dwellers

We’ve all lived in apartments.  We’ve all had neighbors in these apartments.  Some neighbors have been nice, some loud, some clowns, and some make you want to walk next door and beat someone with a tire iron. You don’t even care that you are in your underwear.  I’ve been renting for about four years now, and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what kind of people live in apartments.  Everyone deals with living in a box within a box(within another box?) differently.  I tend to try and get to know my neighbors, and although some can make it difficult, most are receptive.  In general, and I am being very general here, there are five kinds of apartment people.

1. Loners.

These are people who stay pent up in their apartment all the time, windows shut, door closed, and you never see them leave.  They always seem to be home, you assume, because their light is always on, but they are very quiet.  Maybe they just have the light on the keep intruders away, and they are really out backpacking rural China, you just don’t know!  These are good people to live next to, however they are very boring, as you never get to know them, and can be unreliable for favors like that time when I super-glued the cat to my leg, on accident, and could have really used some nail polish remover. Loners usually reside on the top floor, as they don’t mind walking up stairs just so they have no one loud above them.

2. Loud Mother F*^kers.

No matter if this person is alone or having people over, they are always loud.  It’s just their nature.  You can try and complain, but that will only lead to increased animosity, which will most likely feed their loud and rebellious personality.  These people were good to have as neighbors in college because they always had the best parties, but now it’s just annoying.  Unfortunately, I have been guilty of being this person in the past, so I can’t really get mad when someone is being loud around me, I just have to embrace it.  These people usually exist on a middle floor because they have a discombobulated life and can’t choose a floor to begin with, so they get stuck with one of the worst apartments.

3. Hippies/Elderly.

I group hippies and the elderly together because they share some of the same traits.  They both leave their windows and doors open, they both have pets that run around, and they both have funky smells emanating from their apartments.  They are both usually friendly and will say “hi” when you walk by, and occasionally are good for casual conversation.  Also, they both live on the first floor to avoid walking up stairs.  If you have to live on the first floor, then most likely you will have these as your neighbors.

4. Yuppies.

Yuppies are your most balanced and predictable apartment dweller, because their life demands it.  They wake and rise at the same times, work the same times, and go out at the same times, so you always know when they will be home.  However, these can be the biggest assholes/bitches.  Many times they are unhappy with their lives because they hate their “shitty” job or their “shitty” apartment, because they haven’t made this month’s sales quota, so you may find yourself in a thirty minute stairwell conversation with someone about life insurance or pharmacy sales when really you are just trying to check your mail.  They reside anywhere in the complex, as they are already upset they don’t have a house yet, so why would it matter where they live in this fucking apartment complex.

5. Customer Servers.

The largest percentage of apartment dwellers is this group.  In this category you’ve got waiters, bartenders, promoters, people that work at best buy, clerks, retail, strippers, bouncers, etc., and they all need a temporary place to live before they move to their next job location.  These people are social animals, and are the most likely to introduce themselves to you in courtyard, pool, or whatever other social area your complex has.  They can be loud, because they work all hours of the day and night, but usually they respect other people due to the nature of their work, they know how it feels to be treated like shit, which means they are also available for favors.  Some of the nicest people I have met in my many apartment complexes have been customer service people.  They live on the top floor, side unit, because they have lived in apartment complexes forever so they know where the best ones are.

Which type of apartment dweller are you?

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “The 5 Kinds of Apartment Dwellers

  1. I liked this post I am in between the 3 and 5 category and agree with you wholeheartedly .

  2. Everyone in my complex seems to be a 1 or a 2. I’m probably a 1 and those loud motherfuckers above me are definitely a 2.

  3. I guess I’d be classified as a #4- only I’m never home, so there’s gotta be some value added in that. No awkward stairwell convos on my end!

  4. I’m a #1 and #4 …. I tend to stick to myself at home, but keep the same hours day after day with work and events… haha! The people below me are definitely #2 and I actually have the #3’s above me!
    Congrats on being freshly pressed!

  5. I’m a number 1, but that’s because I’m attempting to finish college. Talking to real life people (at least ones that don’t directly benefit my finishing of college) is an unnecessary distraction. Hopefully I get my degree before I die of social deprivation.

    I like your blog. Your words are funny. I also hate it. Because I’m jealous. I aspire to write a funny blog about nothing someday, but have sucked at life too much so far to take the initiative to do this. I feel like every funny blog joke you make takes away from the world’s supply of funny blog jokes. By the time I get around to writing my own, there will be nothing left! I resent you for this, you greedy, fat cat, cat-guy.

    Of course I’m joking probably. You’re blog really is awesome though.

  6. This blog post made me extremely self-conscious. I am confused as to what I am. 1st floor. Barely home. Windows open the majority of times… curtains if it’s Winter. Play loud music in the mornings (it makes me happy). Don’t really speak to anyone unless I run into someone… but then I just smile because I’m always in a hurry. Oh God! Do they think I’m a loner?!

  7. I’d say I was a Loner. Sad, I know, but hiding from the other dwellers in my house is the best way to make my day easier!

  8. I was a 3/5, next to the elderly landlord (ergh), who constantly claimed I was a 2… So I started acting like a 2. Awesome/accurate post!

  9. Lucas Carames

    That’s nice dude! In Brazil, where I live, we have different types of people. We have a special category that I call “Hysterical Family”. Those families that live through shouting and loud noises. It feels like they are all deaf. They Scream to the malfunctioning TV, to their Pets, to each other, to computers (either laptops, PC or MAC’s) even to the the self! All their communication is based on high levels of voice.
    Is there anything related to thes phenomenon in US?

  10. I liked this. I am writing a post right now, recalling the first apartment I lived in after college. Wish I could have been as observant then. Enjoyed your post-college blues post, too. I was appalled by gym fees, squash court fees. Solved this by getting a weekend job at a squash club. Thanks for enjoyable posts.

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