Category Archives: Classifications

In this category things are classified.

Let’s Talk About Friends

Everyone, well most everyone, has friends.  If you are lucky you have multiple friends, or unlucky, depending on what kind of friends you have.  Regardless, different types of friends exist, each with their own respective pluses and minuses.  Some are good for favors, some are good for laughs, and some are good for nothing.  Some are conceited assholes humble and modest folks who write nonsense humorous blogs and expect everyone to read them and get pissed at the world upset when no one is reading his their blog.  WHY GOD WHY?!?  There are five types of friends.  Let’s review.

 

1. Yellow Lab: The friend you can count on

Yellow Lab is the name and loyalty is the game.  Favors are pretty much guaranteed, as long as they are reasonable (be careful not to abuse your lab or it will turn on you).  These are the friends you call when you lock your keys out of your car at 4 AM in a sketchy neighborhood, and you are by yourself because someone in the bar pissed you off by saying the 49ers suck and instead of punching them in the mouth you ran aimlessly out into the night in search of something that makes sense.

Yes, that's a Toyota Camry.

 

2. Sheen: The party friend

Oh, the Sheen.  How much fun can one person possibly be?  You just have to make a phone call to the party friend to find out.  Be warned, don’t even try and call this friend during the week, or during the day for that matter, only on the weekend, and usually you have to wait for them to call you back.  However, when that phone call does arrive, be ready to party your face off (or on, depending where your face was at the time of the phone call).

The irony of this is the character on the right looks more like myself.

 

3. Apatow: The funny friend

Having a bad day?  You poor baby, you.  Don’t fear, Apatow is here!  Ready with jokes and witty comments about that creepy guy sitting next to you, the Apatow friend is at your comedic service.  He/she will certainly lift your mood, unless you are dead inside, then you are pretty much screwed.

Who knew Apatow was actually a dick?

Okay so maybe the real Judd Apatow isn’t the best option.  I would suggest picking someone who is a bit more grounded.

 

4. Dr. Phil: The good listener

Problems are toast with Dr. Phil.  This friend will let you talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until your mouth falls off and you have to pick it up off the ground and sew it back on so you can keep talking.  The great thing about this friend is that he/she will listen for as long as you need, then offer advice, but you don’t have to listen, because he/she is your friend, and who wants advice from your friends anyway?  I mean, what do they know anyway?  That’s what mistakes are for.

Good lookin' out Phil.

 

5. Best friend: Your best friend

You have known this guy/girl since you were little, and off and on, through thick and thin, you two have remained friends.  You may even refer to this person as your brother or sister.  They may also be any combination of the above mentioned friends, but above all, they are your best friend.

Your best friend knows EVERYTHING about you.

 

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The Evolution of Party

A party is always a party, right?  Or, can a party be a party, without actually being a party? Are you asking yourself, “What the hell is he talking about?”  If you are asking any of these questions, then you and I are on the same page.  What I am trying to say is that the idea of party is not the same for everyone, especially as we grow older.  According to the Unknowledge Tree, our life of partying is divided into five stages.  Allow me to elaborate.

Early Years: 0-10

The first party you ever experience is your birthday party, and this will be the only party you have for the next ten years or so.  Birthday parties dictate social structure throughout these years.  Depending on who comes to your birthday party, or whose birthday party you got invited to, determines your amount of social clout, and can be used as a weapon against your peers.

Birthday Party Weaponization

 

Pre-Teen: 11-14

In your middle school years, you begin to develop more distinct identities and social groups.  You begin to have more than one or two friends, and occasionally all gather at one person’s house, in what is called “hanging out”.  These hang-outs, usually consisting of 3-5 friends, are the first get-togethers of more than one friend outside of birthday parties.  They can even be co-ed at times, which can bring the total number of partiers to 7-10.  They are the beginning of what will become the infamous ‘High School House Party’.

Scarred for Life

 

Teenagers: 15-17

Now you have come to your teenage years, such wondrous and confusing times.  With high school comes the introduction of alcohol, for most, along with the aforementioned and much anticipated ‘House Party’.  Those little innocent gatherings from before morph into descending on a house of whoever’s parents are out of town in a flurry of teen angst, alcohol, and co-ed debauchery.  The hang-outs from before do continue, but they just aren’t considered parties anymore.

Problem Solving

 

Young Adults: 18-varies

After high school comes the Young Adult phase, which is characterized by many things: higher education, travelling, a career, or living off your parents.  Parties in this age group take on many different forms.  The house party is continued; however, there is a spin off: the Frat Party.  The Frat Party introduces a whole new level of alcohol consumption and debauchery never before seen by mankind.  Below is an example.

Rape Victim

 

The Couples Party consists of, as the name would suggest, young couples doing things that would normally seem fun, but because everyone is more concerned with their significant other than anything else going on, any single person observing this scene would more or less be dumbfounded how anyone is having a good time.  No single person could ever enjoy a Couples Party.

Why oh why am I here?

 

Now that you are 18, and then 21, you can attend parties at clubs and bars.  This opens an entirely new, and much more expensive, world of partying.  Because of its high price, the Club Party often revolves around special events such as birthdays and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  Club Parties can be fun because you feel special, you know, like a rapper or something.

*I was going to make a cartoon for this stage but MS Paint is driving me crazy and I just can’t do it, so you are going to have to wait one more paragraph.

The final party of this stage of life is the Vacation Party.  This party consists of a small group of friends going on vacation, something like a cruise ship or resort, and partying constantly for a few days straight.  This can also be very expensive, but almost always worth it.  Within this category includes one of the most famous of all parties, the Spring Break Party.  All I have to say about this party is, “Holy shit.”

No one will survive Spring Break

 

Adult

The last phase of party life is the Adult phase.  The parties in this stage are threefold: Dinner, Club, and Vacation.  You may notice the final two are repeats from before, but they are mainly family affairs now.  The Dinner Party is similar to the Couples Party, but more formal and typically just as boring.  It can be enjoyed by singles if this is your idea of a party; however, I recommend exercising extreme caution.

Dinner parties can be deadly

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