How to Make Friends

Who doesn’t want friends?  I know I don’t want any.  I mean yes, yes I do!  Friends are great for companionship, favors, protection, rehabilitation, monopolization, curing boredom, and lending a hand.  I know my friends have helped me out of many a tough jam in my lifetime, although I will never admit it, starting now.

In fact, where would we be without friends?  Alone, that’s what.  Maybe we would be really close with our families, but what if you didn’t have a brother or sister?  What if you are away at college, moving to a new city, or your current friends are dicks(In this case you may be a dick and likely you should reevaluate yourself and your priorities, but for all intents and purposes just keep reading anyway)?

The Unknowledge Tree has graciously extended to me this guide for making new friends which I will transcribe here as accurately as humanly possible so that we all may benefit.  Please excuse any misleading pieces of advice, as it is a tree and sometimes I do encounter issues with translation.  It was a very windy day and the shrubbery next to us was being very loud.

1. Have good hygiene

Before you even get an opportunity to make friends you need to make sure that you are squeaky clean.  No one wants to make friends with a dirty person, except other dirty people, so I guess that is an exception.  If you want to make friends with other dirty people, then don’t shower, but if you want to make friends with clean people, i.e. most people, be sure to shower.

I typically shower daily, although I have been known to skip a day if I went swimming, frolicked in the rain, or played in someone’s yard while the sprinkler was on.  I’m not really sure if those situations count as proper cleaning but I don’t really give a shit because that’s just how I roll.  Feel free to roll whichever way you choose, but I’m pretty sure showering with soap is the best way to go.

 

2. Be nice

Who wants to be friends with an a-hole, or a douche bag?  Not me, that’s for sure.  Even if you are a douche bag, pretend you aren’t.  Actually, if you are one, don’t make friends at all.  We don’t want you to have friends.

Better yet, instead of having no friends, you should invent some way to help yourself not be an a-hole/d-bag.  Maybe you could do this by making friends with someone who corrects douche baggery, like a psychiatrist, or a surgeon(brain swap).  You may have to pay her/him quite a bit of money for this, but I don’t really care because you are a douche bag.

The bottom line is to be nice, cordial, invite friendship.  Avoid insulting the person you are trying to make friends with.  The majority of people will not want to be friends with someone who just made fun of their new shirt, because damnit they thought that shirt was really clever, but in reality anything that is printed on a shirt and sold in a mall in mass amounts can never, ever, be clever, but can only be extremely annoying.

 

3. Don’t be afraid

Unless you are trying to make friends in a prison, war camp, Hell, or a vicious lion’s den, no one is going to physically harm you for approaching them and attempting to make some kind of connection.  More than likely they will be grateful for your attempt at conversation.

If you find yourself overtaken by jitters, just remember that they are a person just like you and have feelings just like you do.  They would not want to hurt their own feelings; therefore, they are not going to try and hurt yours.  This — is science.  Actually, I just made it up but I’m pretty sure it’s true so just believe it, because everything I say is true, obviously(also science).

Stick to making friends with people, and not while they are mating either.

 

4. Be yourself

By far the most important item on this list, which I will repeat, is to be yourself.  The last thing someone else wants is to become friends with you, only to find out a couple weeks later that you don’t actually like NASCAR, you only said you did, negating the only thing you two have in common, thereby ending your friendship.

Be who you are from the beginning, that way other people know what they are getting themselves into.  This way you make friends that are right for you, share the same interests, etc., and you can go on enjoying each other’s friendship until the earth collapses into a black hole and we are all sucked into oblivion, or something much less significant like you grow apart, or whatever, fuck, I’m ending this post now.

Which animal doesn’t belong?  If you said the cow you are correct.  If you said the pterodactyl you are incorrect and you need to drink more cough syrup so that we are on the same level.