Tag Archives: College

Real World Survival Guide: Applying for a Job

You are about to graduate college and already you can sense the weight of the world about to come crashing down on you.  The pressure builds relentlessly until finally it feels like your feet are about to buckle and you are going to be crushed into oblivion.  Don’t fear, because no matter how terrible that sounds, you are not alone.  Approximately 110% of the population has no clue what they are going to be doing for the rest of their life by the time they graduate, and neither did I.  There is hope.

The Unknowledge Tree has yet again, through its infinite, infallible, and insurmountable wisdom, passed to me the knowledge required to survive in the dreaded Real World.  I did have to beg quite a bit for this one, so don’t squander it.  I’m not going to lie, I did things I’m not proud of, and I’m actually getting uncomfortable writing about it, so without further adieu…Welcome to the Real World (no snacks provided).

Step 1: Make a Decision

Most likely if you’re reading something on the internet instead of just looking at pictures of people getting punched or kicked in the nuts, you have graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree, Liberal or otherwise, and have found that it is worthless.  Unless you plan on continuing to research at a University, your job outlook is bleak.  Here is mine: notice the fine print.

 

Regardless of what you majored in, you have a couple options.  You can retreat from becoming an Adult and apply for Graduate School.  This option comes up later, but you can always take it now.  A year after graduating I am pursuing this path, aka the Path of Least Resistance.

Secondly, you can work a part-time job and pursue something creative like writing, acting, drawing, nude modeling, break dancing, nude break dancing, circus performing, basket weaving, choreographing grasshopper symphonies, children’s birthday party balloon animal making, or travelling.  This is what I have been doing for the past year.  Not a bad way to go if you ask me.  You just need a good alibi for family gatherings, something to really shut them up.  I think I have mentioned before that I tell family members that I have mental problems which prevent me from working any kind of real job.

 

Finally, you can apply for a job, like, a real one.  If you knew what you were doing, you have already interned somewhere.  Chances are they will offer you a job, but let’s say you don’t want that particular job, or maybe you are interning late.  Either way, obtaining an internship is a lot like getting a regular job and depending on the internship applied for it can be just as competitive.

The bottom line is, no matter which of the three above paths you choose to walk now, you will eventually have to walk the last one at some point, unless you are incredibly lucky and manage to obtain money and success without ever working a formal job, then I actually just hate you (please die).

Step 2: Write a Resume

A resume is important because it’s a good place to brag about your accomplishments and accolades.  If you are a normal person and don’t happen to have any of these, make up a bunch of crap.  A resume should be about 50% true and 50% bullshit.  It’s common knowledge that everyone lies on their resume, you just need to be able to back it up when you go in for the interview.  If your would-be boss actually checks to see if you were in fact class secretary of your university then he/she is most likely a tightwad and you don’t want to work for them anyway.   So take some liberties with your resume, use colorful language, and feel free to exaggerate.  Here are some examples:

Friday’s – Waiter: Excelled in a there’s no I in team environment while facilitating the ultimate customer experience of pure culinary and service orgasmic satisfaction, and simultaneously maintaining an unprecedented level of professionalism and efficiency never before seen in the restaurant industry.

Boys and Girls Club – Volunteer: Brightened the day and life of every single underprivileged child he/she had the privilege of coming into contact with, even going as far as single handedly knitting 100 teddy bears engraved with “You Are Special” and distributing them to all the children in a fashion akin to Santa Claus, in fact his/her name by which the children referred to him/her was “Human Jesus/Virgin Mary”.

Merrill Lynch – Intern: Obtained caffeinated sustenance for analysts quicker and with more accuracy than any who have come before, meticulously filed documents alphabetically, numerically, and symbolically, all while maintaining a scary high level of punctuality, eagerness, and fastidiousness.

 

 

Step 3: Write a Cover Letter for the Resume

Write your heart out.  It doesn’t matter what you are talking about here, just make sure you are selling yourself and giving the company to which you are applying to constant praise.  Cover letters are pointless except to tug at the heart strings of your potential employer, and perhaps guilt trip them into hiring you.  Talk about how you fought your way out of desolate poverty, overcame some debilitating illness, or some other depressing shit like that.  You can use this template if you want:

To Whom It May Concern,

After exhaustively researching (Insert Company Name), I have concluded that it would be a perfect fit for my skills and/or abilities which include, but are not limited to: being a team player, being a video game player, being a player (in general), having excellent hand-eye coordination, having an excellent extemporaneous vocabulary which has been known to bring a grown man to his knees, and the implicit ability to facilitate numerous orgies at once which may or may not contain several grams of high grade Columbian cocaine.  Etc., etc., etc.  You get the picture.

Step 4: The Interview

Now is when everything comes full circle.  It’s time to put your best face on, your best suit on, and your best Irish accent on (it’s called diversity in the workplace, every company needs it).  Be sure you have memorized all the shit you just made up so you can regurgitate it with urgency and passion.  Be assertive but not aggressive.  Be thorough but not boring.  Be who you want to be.  Be on the lookout for these questions:

Question: Why do you think you would be a good fit here?

Possible Answer: Because I am a boss hogg mother fucker who knows what he wants in this world, and there is no one gonna stand in my way, not even you.  In fact, I plan on having your job within five years.  You better start treating me right, like by giving me this job.

Q: What can you bring to this company?

A: I bring a sense of knowing what is up.  You’ve never seen anyone quite like me, and I doubt you ever will again.  I am so on the ball I make Michael Jordan look like a paraplegic out there.

Q: Have you ever had to overcome any adversity in your life?

A: Yeah, this one time in, like, seventh grade, I didn’t get picked for the football team, so fifteen years later I looked up the guy who didn’t pick me, and I went to his house and murdered his entire family in cold blood.  That’s what I call commitment to objective.  You can use that.

Q: I am calling the cops right now.

A: You just made your last move, bucko.

And that’s about how your interview should go.  Now it’s a waiting game.  If they don’t call back by the time they said they would, wait a few days, and then call again.  Better yet, show up dressed for work and just start working.  Who’s hiring who now?  You’re hired!

 

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The Evolution of Party

A party is always a party, right?  Or, can a party be a party, without actually being a party? Are you asking yourself, “What the hell is he talking about?”  If you are asking any of these questions, then you and I are on the same page.  What I am trying to say is that the idea of party is not the same for everyone, especially as we grow older.  According to the Unknowledge Tree, our life of partying is divided into five stages.  Allow me to elaborate.

Early Years: 0-10

The first party you ever experience is your birthday party, and this will be the only party you have for the next ten years or so.  Birthday parties dictate social structure throughout these years.  Depending on who comes to your birthday party, or whose birthday party you got invited to, determines your amount of social clout, and can be used as a weapon against your peers.

Birthday Party Weaponization

 

Pre-Teen: 11-14

In your middle school years, you begin to develop more distinct identities and social groups.  You begin to have more than one or two friends, and occasionally all gather at one person’s house, in what is called “hanging out”.  These hang-outs, usually consisting of 3-5 friends, are the first get-togethers of more than one friend outside of birthday parties.  They can even be co-ed at times, which can bring the total number of partiers to 7-10.  They are the beginning of what will become the infamous ‘High School House Party’.

Scarred for Life

 

Teenagers: 15-17

Now you have come to your teenage years, such wondrous and confusing times.  With high school comes the introduction of alcohol, for most, along with the aforementioned and much anticipated ‘House Party’.  Those little innocent gatherings from before morph into descending on a house of whoever’s parents are out of town in a flurry of teen angst, alcohol, and co-ed debauchery.  The hang-outs from before do continue, but they just aren’t considered parties anymore.

Problem Solving

 

Young Adults: 18-varies

After high school comes the Young Adult phase, which is characterized by many things: higher education, travelling, a career, or living off your parents.  Parties in this age group take on many different forms.  The house party is continued; however, there is a spin off: the Frat Party.  The Frat Party introduces a whole new level of alcohol consumption and debauchery never before seen by mankind.  Below is an example.

Rape Victim

 

The Couples Party consists of, as the name would suggest, young couples doing things that would normally seem fun, but because everyone is more concerned with their significant other than anything else going on, any single person observing this scene would more or less be dumbfounded how anyone is having a good time.  No single person could ever enjoy a Couples Party.

Why oh why am I here?

 

Now that you are 18, and then 21, you can attend parties at clubs and bars.  This opens an entirely new, and much more expensive, world of partying.  Because of its high price, the Club Party often revolves around special events such as birthdays and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  Club Parties can be fun because you feel special, you know, like a rapper or something.

*I was going to make a cartoon for this stage but MS Paint is driving me crazy and I just can’t do it, so you are going to have to wait one more paragraph.

The final party of this stage of life is the Vacation Party.  This party consists of a small group of friends going on vacation, something like a cruise ship or resort, and partying constantly for a few days straight.  This can also be very expensive, but almost always worth it.  Within this category includes one of the most famous of all parties, the Spring Break Party.  All I have to say about this party is, “Holy shit.”

No one will survive Spring Break

 

Adult

The last phase of party life is the Adult phase.  The parties in this stage are threefold: Dinner, Club, and Vacation.  You may notice the final two are repeats from before, but they are mainly family affairs now.  The Dinner Party is similar to the Couples Party, but more formal and typically just as boring.  It can be enjoyed by singles if this is your idea of a party; however, I recommend exercising extreme caution.

Dinner parties can be deadly

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