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November 4, 2011 · 1:54 pm

How to Get a Date – 3 Steps

Often the hardest part of dating and relationships can be getting actually getting that first date, making a connection. We’ve all been there, and we always seem to question ourselves, “Should I ask her for her number now?’ or ‘Why the fu*k did I wear this Loony Toons shirt today, is this seriously how I dress every day?” Both legitimate questions. Be easy my single friends and rejoice, for the Unknowledge Tree has once again given us a gift from its infinite wisdom. It has revealed to me the secrets of attracting a mate, be it man or woman, and how to have a near 100% success rate. Don’t worry, this is science, it’s basically guaranteed! What luck!

1. Put on a Display

There is nothing that will attract a mate more than putting on a show for them. For guys, let everyone know that you are the alpha male, and no other dude comes close to your obvious masculinity. Tap into your inner animal, really make a point here. Start a fight with someone else around you if you have to, but make sure you win, could be embarrassing. When you are finished with your display, if she isn’t already swooning at your feet, you may have to try a different method, or she is probably a lesbian. I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good display? Come on, ladies.

For women, your goal is to entice the man of your choosing by showing off what you got, and what you expect from him. Everyone has their own displays, this is what makes us unique, and so I recommend tailoring yours to your strengths. If it’s a smart guy you want, perhaps pretend to write a book while slithering around on the floor. If you got the goods, then by all means show them off, perhaps on the bar while dancing to “Good Girls Gone Bad” and downing a bottle of Yagermeister. You know, whatever gets his attention. It’s a wild world out there; don’t be afraid to push the envelope.

Attraction Successful

2. Pick-up Lines

Now that your respective displays have picked up a mate, it is up to the man to approach with a pick-up line. Here are a few that should work. Remember, first impressions are like, pretty much, everything.

– I would buy you a drink, but it looks like you are already a tall drink of woman.

– Let me grab a helmet, because I could ride those legs all day. Safety first, baby!

– Our eyes just f*cked, should our genitalia?

– Here’s a dime, just like you.

– Let’s take a walk. I’ve got some coupons for free slurpees at the corner store.

– You just made my heart do a back flip, now I need to go to the hospital. Seriously I’m having a heart attack, can you take me to the hospital? I will consider dating you after, I just could really use some help…(silence)…It’s okay I’m still alive, but I am in a considerable amount of pain. Not to mention I have lost feeling in the right side of my body, and I think I’m going to black out again. Yep, I’m about to go. How about that ride now?

– I seem to have gotten lost on my way home. Your breasts have confused me. Can I sleep here tonight?

Congratulations, you are on your way to getting that first date. Tomorrow we will discuss the all important final step, *gulp, conversation! Stay tuned! (It’s here!)

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Filed under How to

Tagged as Advice, Dating, humor, Life, Men, Women

October 28, 2011 · 1:44 pm

The 5 Kinds of Apartment Dwellers

We’ve all lived in apartments. We’ve all had neighbors in these apartments. Some neighbors have been nice, some loud, some clowns, and some make you want to walk next door and beat someone with a tire iron. You don’t even care that you are in your underwear. I’ve been renting for about four years now, and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what kind of people live in apartments. Everyone deals with living in a box within a box(within another box?) differently. I tend to try and get to know my neighbors, and although some can make it difficult, most are receptive. In general, and I am being very general here, there are five kinds of apartment people.

1. Loners.

These are people who stay pent up in their apartment all the time, windows shut, door closed, and you never see them leave. They always seem to be home, you assume, because their light is always on, but they are very quiet. Maybe they just have the light on the keep intruders away, and they are really out backpacking rural China, you just don’t know! These are good people to live next to, however they are very boring, as you never get to know them, and can be unreliable for favors like that time when I super-glued the cat to my leg, on accident, and could have really used some nail polish remover. Loners usually reside on the top floor, as they don’t mind walking up stairs just so they have no one loud above them.

2. Loud Mother F*^kers.

No matter if this person is alone or having people over, they are always loud. It’s just their nature. You can try and complain, but that will only lead to increased animosity, which will most likely feed their loud and rebellious personality. These people were good to have as neighbors in college because they always had the best parties, but now it’s just annoying. Unfortunately, I have been guilty of being this person in the past, so I can’t really get mad when someone is being loud around me, I just have to embrace it. These people usually exist on a middle floor because they have a discombobulated life and can’t choose a floor to begin with, so they get stuck with one of the worst apartments.

3. Hippies/Elderly.

I group hippies and the elderly together because they share some of the same traits. They both leave their windows and doors open, they both have pets that run around, and they both have funky smells emanating from their apartments. They are both usually friendly and will say “hi” when you walk by, and occasionally are good for casual conversation. Also, they both live on the first floor to avoid walking up stairs. If you have to live on the first floor, then most likely you will have these as your neighbors.

4. Yuppies.

Yuppies are your most balanced and predictable apartment dweller, because their life demands it. They wake and rise at the same times, work the same times, and go out at the same times, so you always know when they will be home. However, these can be the biggest assholes/bitches. Many times they are unhappy with their lives because they hate their “shitty” job or their “shitty” apartment, because they haven’t made this month’s sales quota, so you may find yourself in a thirty minute stairwell conversation with someone about life insurance or pharmacy sales when really you are just trying to check your mail. They reside anywhere in the complex, as they are already upset they don’t have a house yet, so why would it matter where they live in this fucking apartment complex.

5. Customer Servers.

The largest percentage of apartment dwellers is this group. In this category you’ve got waiters, bartenders, promoters, people that work at best buy, clerks, retail, strippers, bouncers, etc., and they all need a temporary place to live before they move to their next job location. These people are social animals, and are the most likely to introduce themselves to you in courtyard, pool, or whatever other social area your complex has. They can be loud, because they work all hours of the day and night, but usually they respect other people due to the nature of their work, they know how it feels to be treated like shit, which means they are also available for favors. Some of the nicest people I have met in my many apartment complexes have been customer service people. They live on the top floor, side unit, because they have lived in apartment complexes forever so they know where the best ones are.

Which type of apartment dweller are you?