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October 7, 2011 · 2:43 pm

College vs. The Real World

It’s been a little over a year since I graduated college. After spending seven years in four different institutions of higher learning, you could say that I am a college expert. After spending one year in the “real world”, you could say that I never want to be a real world expert. This place SUCKS. For those of you who are in the same boat as myself, this is old news. College did nothing to prepare me for this, but would I have really wanted it to? Hell no. I loved having no responsibilities, and wouldn’t have done it any other way. That being said, I would like to justify my feeling of college superiority by making a list, which you will now read, you beautiful person, you. That’s right, I’m talking to you.

I. Responsibilities:

Real World – Pay bills and rent myself on time by writing a check. If I only do something once a month, how am I supposed to remember that? Also, why do we still have checks? Are you kidding me, banks? I take a piece of paper with clouds, unicorns, dolphins or whatever printed on it, write any amount I choose, and that is legal tender!?
College – Bills are only something you hear about from your parents, or on a romantic comedy, or following the word Buffalo.

2. Socializing:

Real World – Social gatherings now center around family gatherings, co-worker happy hours, and old friends from high school. You thought you were moving forward in time? Guess again, sucker.
College – Places to make friends: Frats, clubs, sports, classes, study groups, gym, cafeteria, in the hallway, bathrooms, on the bus, dorms, ANYWHERE.

3. Gettin’ laid, or getting mates, bonding, relationships, whatever:

Real World – Dates. Relationships. Commitment. Longevity. Prison. No more casual and comfortable, “I’ll see you at the party later,’ or ‘lets meet in the quad after class and lay in the grass while we pretend to study”. There is no party later. There is no quad. There isn’t even any grass. Now its get her phone number and harass her until she goes out with you or you may never see her again. Ask her on a “date”, buy her dinner/drinks, whatever it’s gonna take, then maybe if you’re lucky you’ll establish some kind of connection or even, *gasp, get laid.
College – If you meet in the gym it would go like this: Working out – Partying out – Making out – Hanging out – Sex. Repeat until you get tired of each other/meet someone else.

College

Real World

These are just three ways that the Real World SUCKS and College is amazing. I’m sure there are numerous others. Feel free to share them if you like.

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Filed under Comparisons

Tagged as College, humor, Life, Real World

October 5, 2011 · 12:17 pm

Self Control

I am a frequent multi-tasker, however I rarely accomplish anything. At any given moment I can be doing anywhere from two to seven things at once, and at the same time doing absolutely nothing. Welcome to the age of technology. In fact, just before I started writing this post I was on gchat, facebook chat, finding music on youtube, watching baseball, and eating a delicious snack of fresh strawberries from my favorite grocery store, who I am not at all ashamed to mention, Central Market (CM). By the way, if CM had apartments on top of it, I would be first in line to pre-lease them, but I digress. Wait…what was I talking about? You know, before CM? Oh look, Jersey Shore is on! How I love these innocent, charismatic guidos, let me count the ways…

My generation, which I adore, has been at the forefront of technological innovation for the past decade. Alas, it is because of these innovations that I find myself lacking the ability to be productive. Not because I choose to be unproductive, but because I lack the self-control to do otherwise. That being said, I know for a fact that I am not the only one who falls into this category. Self-control, or lack thereof, in my opinion, is not something that is easily thwarted. It is a ghostly figure that lurks just under the surface, poking and prodding at my brain, nudging it in the direction of leisure and entertainment. Being a ghost, it is very difficult for me to fight it off (as we know, ghosts are notoriously difficult to locate and deal with, mainly because of their invisibility and shyness of humans).

So many times I have heard the phrase, “Just do it!” To which I am accustomed to responding, “Does this look like a Nike commercial to you? Do you see me wearing swooshes?”

This only serves to irritate the person attempting to motivate me, who is most likely telling me this because this person cares about my well-being. I then assure them there is no phrase on this earth that will motivate me to do whatever meaningless thing they are requesting of me, which then usually ushers on more motivational speech type phrases, which only serves to further distill my attention until it resembles pancake mix being poured out of the bowl into the frying pan, where it will become delicious pancakes and then served to eagerly awaiting children on a crisp and cool Saturday morning. Please excuse me while I go make some pancakes.