Category Archives: How to

In this category I explain how to do things.

How to Get a Date – Sealing the Deal

For those of you now lucky enough to be engaged in conversation with your desired partner, don’t worry, I am here to guide you.  If you missed the first part of this series on getting to this point,  you can still check it out here.  If you got here on your own you are a liar!  I’m just kidding.  But seriously, I don’t believe you. Although, people have been doing this for many years without this blog, so I guess it is possible.  What was I talking about?  Oh right, conversation.  Here is how to have effective date-getting conversation.

3. Conversation

Okay, so you’ve attracted each other with your respective displays, and his pick-up line was successful, now it’s time to engage in, *gulp, conversation.  For some people this part comes easy, for others not so much.  The most important thing is to have relevant topics to discuss.  Also, keep in mind that in this initial conversation you don’t want to ask any questions.  Questions are for the first date.  This meeting is all about being funny and interesting.  When you do give information, you might as well lie and make yourself sound more interesting, and just clear everything up later when you two are dating.  You are going to want to split you time between these two categories: compliments and topics of discussion.

Compliments to make:

– His/her attire

– His/her hair

– His/her genitalia

– His/her finger width/length (depends on personal preference)

– His/her facial expressions (one of my favorites)

Topics of Discussion

– The decor of the bar

– The decor of the city in general

– The decor of your mother’s basement where you live use to live

– What you do for a living

– What you wish you did for a living

– What your more less successful friends do for a living


Date Acquisition Successful


Remember to relax, be yourself.  Let the words flow out of your mouth like a river rushes effortlessly over the edge of a cliff.  Be careful though, because sometimes trash comes over the edge of a waterfall, along with branches, animals, boats, and people in barrels.  If too many of these things fall out of your mouth, be sure to be near a trash can because it’s called vomit and you definitely drank too much.  Good luck!


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How to Get a Date – 3 Steps

Often the hardest part of dating and relationships can be getting actually getting that first date, making a connection.  We’ve all been there, and we always seem to question ourselves, “Should I ask her for her number now?’ or ‘Why the fu*k did I wear this Loony Toons shirt today, is this seriously how I dress every day?”  Both legitimate questions.  Be easy my single friends and rejoice, for the Unknowledge Tree has once again given us a gift from its infinite wisdom.  It has revealed to me the secrets of attracting a mate, be it man or woman, and how to have a near 100% success rate.  Don’t worry, this is science, it’s basically guaranteed!  What luck!


1. Put on a Display

There is nothing that will attract a mate more than putting on a show for them.  For guys, let everyone know that you are the alpha male, and no other dude comes close to your obvious masculinity.  Tap into your inner animal, really make a point here.  Start a fight with someone else around you if you have to, but make sure you win, could be embarrassing.  When you are finished with your display, if she isn’t already swooning at your feet, you may have to try a different method, or she is probably a lesbian.  I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good display?  Come on, ladies.

For women, your goal is to entice the man of your choosing by showing off what you got, and what you expect from him.  Everyone has their own displays, this is what makes us unique, and so I recommend tailoring yours to your strengths.  If it’s a smart guy you want, perhaps pretend to write a book while slithering around on the floor.  If you got the goods, then by all means show them off, perhaps on the bar while dancing to “Good Girls Gone Bad” and downing a bottle of Yagermeister.  You know, whatever gets his attention.  It’s a wild world out there; don’t be afraid to push the envelope.


Attraction Successful


2. Pick-up Lines

Now that your respective displays have picked up a mate, it is up to the man to approach with a pick-up line.  Here are a few that should work.  Remember, first impressions are like, pretty much, everything.

–  I would buy you a drink, but it looks like you are already a tall drink of woman.

–  Let me grab a helmet, because I could ride those legs all day.  Safety first, baby!

–  Our eyes just f*cked, should our genitalia?

–  Here’s a dime, just like you.

–  Let’s take a walk.  I’ve got some coupons for free slurpees at the corner store.

–  You just made my heart do a back flip, now I need to go to the hospital.  Seriously I’m having a heart attack, can you take me to the hospital?  I will consider dating you after, I just could really use some help…(silence)…It’s okay I’m still alive, but I am in a considerable amount of pain.  Not to mention I have lost feeling in the right side of my body, and I think I’m going to black out again.  Yep, I’m about to go.  How about that ride now?

–  I seem to have gotten lost on my way home.  Your breasts have confused me.  Can I sleep here tonight?

Congratulations, you are on your way to getting that first date.  Tomorrow we will discuss the all important final step, *gulp, conversation!  Stay tuned!  (It’s here!)


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